Friday, June 15, 2012

Ambition...where did it go?

I feel foolish confessing my writing has fallen by the wayside. Normally writing is my savior. Its where I go to hide from the world. In the past year it feels as if I lost something. That drive inside me that makes it so I HAVE TO write has faded, vanished, slammed into park and refuses to move. I can't seem to jump start anything to do with writing.
This scares me a bit.
I've been painting a lot and have started to learn piano, but I know these are substitutes for that thing inside me that wants to be writing.
As silly as it may seem I blame this on a loss of a pet. Elvis, my parrot of 11 years died suddenly. He was jumped on by one of the dogs I fostered and died in my hands. He nipped my finger once and was gone. I cried for days. I'm still crying inside and the smallest things can set me off. Its been over 6 months and still my heart weeps. I blame myself. I was his protector and I failed. His death is all my fault.  I don't blame the dog. Something fell beside him and he pounced. My daughter and I were standing right there and still couldn't stop it. I don't even think the dog knew what it was when he jumped on it. Probably thought it was a toy. Dogs move instinctively. I was the failure. Elvie's death is mine. I should have kept him safe.
Silly, I know but since then I can't write. I don't know what I'm waiting for, or why I've been so stuck over this. He's not the first pet I lost and I'm sure won't be the last. But parrots are special. They are almost like little people. He talked and would say the absolutely right thing at the right time. He ate when we ate, slept when we slept and was part of the family. I miss him terribly.
They say grief has five stages; Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I guess I'm in depression since there is no guilt. Or maybe there should be guilt. Or is that in bargaining? Am I trying to bargain my way out of guilt? Justify that I didn't keep him safe?
I know accidents happen and we can't stop the world, but still my heart broke when Elvis left me.
Weirdly, about two weeks before he died I had this overwhelming feeling that he was going to be gone soon. Like I looked at him once and knew he would leave me soon. The thought so horrified me that I shook it off immediately.
If I ever have pychic powers I don't want to know things like that but sometimes...
Why don't I ever get the lottery numbers? Something useful.
Then a few months ago my dog died. Halston was 16 and a golden retriever so we knew it was coming. Still didn't make it any easier.
So now I'm plodding through an old story, trying to get it ready for Kindle but my heart's just not in it.
Tell me how to get "it" back. That thing inside that makes you write. I think it's still there. It just won't come out and play.

4 comments:

Charles Gramlich said...

I'm sorry about your parrot, and your dog earlier. The loss of a pet is hard to take. you deserve a little break from stress after that.

Rick said...

You have my condolences,too. I know how hard it must be. Stay strong.

Charissa said...

Sorry about your losses! Elvis sounds like the bird I always wanted as a kid (instead I got this mean parakeet that nipped me hard every time I tried to feed him--I was so scared of that bird). I have a golden too, so I feel your pain at losing Halston. And about the writing--maybe you're writing the wrong things right now. Maybe you need to write about all your sadness and the memories you have of those wonderful pets and immortalize them in words. I don't know; it might be the therapy you need.

Aimless Writer said...

Thanks everyone. Some days are better, some days its like getting whacked in the knees. I know time heals but this is taking so darn long.
Charissa, maybe that's what I need. To write it out.