Saturday, March 06, 2010
Why I can't write...
So I've been struggling with not being able to write for a couple of months now. This situation is new to me. I've been writing since I was...maybe 5 or 6? When I first discovered the joy of putting pen to paper all I wanted to do was write down stories. Things would come into my head and I'd just start putting them down. I remember when I was 8 or 9 my mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas I answered a pen and a new pad of paper. She laughed and said, "No, really, what do you want?"
But I spoke the truth. It was my idea of a perfect gift. Give me something to tell my stories with and I'll be in heaven.
So you get why this idea of not writing is like someone put the brakes on my soul. It's in there, I know it, I can still feel it but there's something blocking it, keeping it inside. Like a trapped tiger I can feel it pacing, frustration growing as it looks for an opening.
So not being able to write has led me to searching for why I'm not writing. I'm analyzing my world, my life and my relationships.
First: My daughter moved to Florida for school. She needs a job and has been looking for months. I'm worried. I know she's a smart girl, educated (BS in psychology), and a hard worker. She made the Dean's list last semester, Yay! There's no reason she can't find a job. The economy sucks, thousands upon thousands are unemployed. I have hope that the economy will turn around. There's a job for her, it will come and I try not to worry. But hey! I'm a mom, it's my vocation.
Second: I had shoulder surgery three years ago. I still have a lot of pain and some days its worse...really worse. So I'm thinking I have to go back to the orthopedist and I'm scared he's going to say surgery again. The first round was blindingly painful and I fear doing it again. So I've put off calling the orthopedist. Call me a coward, I am.
Third: I'm not in love with my job. It's easy and boring. I'd rather be challenged. The people I work with are really nice and I'd hate to leave them but...the boredom is...crushing.
Fourth: Saturn is still in Virgo and transiting my first house. The first house represents energy, vitality and deepest desires. It's also linked to your state of health. Hmmmm, I think we're on to something here...
Saturn is the planet that challenges us, makes up step up and be counted. Some fear this planet because it twists your reality around and throws curve balls. It's been in Virgo for the last ...three years, I think?
Is any of this the reason I can't write? Who knows. I still get ideas. Things pop into my head and I blurt them down onto my hard drive but can't get it to go any further.
Writer's block...I always thought it was a myth. Now I'm not so sure.
How do you deal with writer's block?